babble mix

10/2005 - Missing Finally

August 2005 marked my 8th month of unemployment here in the US – my 8th month of having panis na laway from lack of daily interaction with any friend or family close to me who is not from Nino’s circle. That, among other issues, bit me hard in the (big) ass. I was falling apart.

I slipped into depression, heightened mostly by PMS, but brought about by real reasons I could no longer ignore, not just my joblessness. Nothing was falling into place. Yet.

I had no friends aside from Nino, who, despite being my husband and my best friend, can only be so much. He is, after all, just one person.

I needed my girlfriends, mama and sis included. I needed somebody to lend me an evening bag for my dress and a nice pair of earrings; someone to help me with my hair that badly needed a haircut (record-breaking long hair ito!) and I needed to know where best to have a haircut to get every penny’s worth from my $30; somebody to buy make-up with me, because I had no idea what looked best on me. I needed to just talk about the most recent chismis and our most serious thoughts in one night. I needed a dinner out, a foot spa, a massage and a simple hang-out-at-myke’s-condo moment. All of which I did not have yet.

I was not earning money to buy me my own shoes, clothes and other wants. Not that Nino wasn’t willing to buy them for me. I just wasn’t used to asking for money from anybody, so I had difficulty asking for shoes, unless I badly needed it. Actually, I did badly need it. I AM a girl, remember? But I didn’t really expect Nino to understand that.

We live in a studio apartment for one person. Naturally, the apartment’s single-closet and storage space were not enough for both of us, small as we were and tiny as my clothes were. I was frustrated each time I cooked in that little, little, little (can’t emphasize little enough) kitchen. We needed to move to a house, a condo, somewhere with a bedroom and enough closet space to put in shoes and clothes I wanted to buy. Kaya di ako makabili ng damit, there was no more space left to put it.

We were planning to have our church wedding by February 06 in the PH. August na. It seemed totally impossible to plan a long-distance wedding in 5 months, at least not the wedding we both wanted. Besides, we did not have the funds we wanted, so could not make concrete wedding plans yet.

Our real estate business was bleak – not one deal. One deal would have funded a lot of our plans, including moving into the suburbs and coming home to pinas for our wedding. But I was too tired to handle all the stress on my own. I quit. Nino took over, but still no deal yet. YET.

Lecheng YET yan. I know it’s yet’s nature to remain uncertain for indefinitely, that was why I hated it. It caused me to feel like everything will remain a YET.

Eventually, I had to learn to be patient, but not before falling down so low. Ngumangawa ako sa Diyos araw-araw. “Lord, kelan ba kasi? Sige na nga bahala Ka na. Pero naman, kahit isa lang naman sa mga kelangan ko, penge po, please!”

Pagka nga naman humingi ka, magbibigay Siya. He answered my prayers with a part-time job that brought me a pinay friend who speaks Tagalog with me in the office and who is just as, if not more, kikay as me; a FREE haircut from a salon modeling class (bonga si Lord, ayaw niya ng basta alam ko where to get a haircut, dapat libre!); mystery-shopping assignments and other people and so many other blessings He sent me throughout the next months.

I don’t really know when all my yet’s will turn to finally’s, but I guess I can wait. That attitude (and my period) took me out of depression, along with the realization that my plans don’t have to fall into place yet. Maybe sometime soon or not so soon. I’m ok.

posted by meL @ 7:14 PM