babble mix

12/2005 Ang Disyembre Ko Ay Malungkot...

Hay. Totally relate ako sa kantang yan.

This Christmas did not come close to the Christmas Eve I was used to. For as long as I can remember, I spent every Christmas Eve with my huge family – lots of cousins, titos, titas and pamangkins that it wore me out on the first 20 minutes of our get together, sa pag-beso pa lang sa kanilang lahat. Then on Christmas Day, we had lunch or dinner with my father’s side of the family, with the same amount of cousins and titos and titas. We would all just eat, talk, play games, give and receive gifts, talk again and ate again hanggang di na kami makahinga sa kabusugan.

Not this year.

It really wasn’t all that bad. I still got to spend the Eve with my new family – Nino – and my surrogate family here in NYC: Alice, my pinay officemate, her mom, Tita Beng, her cousin Ray and her fiancé, Jay. We still ate a ton of pinoy food, talked, laughed and even had our own little gift-giving session. We did have a lot of fun kahit kami lang, celebrating Jesus’ birthday.

I was grateful to have these people around for Christmas. Though I totally missed my family and friends back home, I really had no reason to sulk. Hindi ko naman birthday eh, birthday ni Jesus so wala akong karapatan magreklamo kung medyo malungkot yung Pasko ko this year.

Di nga ako umiyak eh, at least not until I was in church on Christmas day.

Feeling ko kasi, pag-harap ng Diyos, I lost all the strength I had for the entire Christmas season just trying to hold myself up. I felt so tired – from pretending to be strong, from pretending that our whole Christmas situation was ok; from pretending that the lights in 5th Avenue and the whole hustle-and-bustle-eklat in New York kept me energized, because in total honesty, hindi, eh. Despite the sounds, the beautiful Christmas lights and display, I felt so lonely. Nino and I felt the same way everyday, we just did not acknowledge that to ourselves and each other because that would only dampen each other’s holiday spirits, or at least what’s left of it. So sa simbahan, on Christmas day, bumigay din ako. Pero ok lang. Isang iyak lang, tapos tapos na (unlike nung New Year, ngumawa talaga ako).

After spending a full holiday season here in New York, Nino and I made a promise to ourselves - that we will never allow ourselves to be that lonely again on Christmas. Kaya every Christmas for the rest of our lives, uuwi kami sa Pinas. I don’t care how much that will cost. I’d rather spend money and be happy with our families and friends, than save that money but feel the way we felt last Christmas season.

Kaya ngayon pa lang, excited na ko mag-Pasko. I’m pretty sure Christmas will be one of the best holidays of my life.

posted by meL @ 8:40 PM